Love or Let Die
by Kaizen Kitty
Summary: My life was fine up untill now. Then Chiaki shows up out of the blur. What? Why? What are you doing here? I thought...I thought you were with Tori... [A Yuu x Chiaki fic, Rated for inapropriate smut references, yaoi, boys love]
1. Chapter 1

I can't believe I've waited so long. Days turned to weeks, weeks to months, and before I knew it years were passing down the treadmill of my life. I can't say they were lonely years – I'd be lying. But they were all years without him.

And now he's here on my doorstep. With a heavy bag on his shoulder. What should I do…?

Chiaki walked right in when I held the door open for him. It wasn't like him. It wasn't like him at all! Was he not practically forbidden from meeting me in private? All I could do was stare as he easily found his way to my bedroom.

"Oi, eh…Chiaki!"

He hadn't even said hello to me yet.

"What?"

His eyes looked dim, dull. It was such a horror to look in them. I didn't understand. What happened? What was wrong? Chiaki proceeded to push my door open and walk right in – which I had no objections to, of course. But why did it have to happen like this? Like he was visiting a grave yard instead of his best friend.

"Chiaki!"

I couldn't hold myself much more, lost all sense of self control. I pinched his shoulders down hard. That sent his back crashing into my chest. He had not moved or struggled. We just leaned on the wall for a while, after bumping into it. Through hapering, unsteady breathing I listened to my room's silence. One year from now, this would have been Heaven… Now, I pushed him off me and turned away, looking embarrassed.

That is what one-sided love could do. Did I still want him? Did my heart still ache for him so?

And with spite, regret, I realized: No.

"What about your studio?"

I had sat him down at the table. Three beers later he began to talk. And the strangest things had come out of that mouth. The strange ideas he's been having. Of coming to live with me. Here. In my parents' estate. But what else could I do with him? He's my dearest friend, and he's already sold his appartment. Houses like that don't get found easily in Tokyo.

"Not any more…"

He has been talking, but half of the time I don't even know what he's talking about. With his ass and pretty legs on the floor. No. I must not be thinking like that.

"We can get you another one. An – an even bigger one. Yes, bigger. Hire more artists, and – "

"Noooo! No more."

He began to shout. If he doesn't hold his yap right now, I'm afraid someone in the house might hear!

"Oi, oi, oi. Chiaki, keep it down."

No! Crap, no. He leaned into the touch when I pressed my hand to his lips. Dropped his eyelids seductively. Why is this happening exactly? What's going on?

But there was no real happiness in his smile. It was ridden with desire, only. Was that all he had left for me? Had I been waiting all these years for this? No, no – this couldn't be right. But still I pulled him closer to me. Like I was glued to the spot. I don't know what went in to me that night. And I don't know who the drunk one was: him, or me? Only one thing was certain. The next day I woke up in a messy bed. Everything seemed so dull under the morning light. Nothing like the hidden romance of the evening. I was faced with reality. My butt hurt more than I could ever imagine…

/ End of First Chapter /


	2. Chapter 2

"Good morning."

He's smiling at me! Why? Whatever reason could he have to smile? I have to phone Tori, and apologize right away. What made me even think for a moment to keep him out of it? …My own selfish desires? It's not right. Grogingly, I crept out of bed. Great, I was still naked… The other night…you don't want to know…

"Yuu? What's the matter?"

And you have the nerve to ask me that? After what you did to me last night? He looked almost casual! In my bath robe and my slippers. At least he wasn't smiling any longer, he could give me that decency.

"Give it back."

I gave a sharp tug at the bath robe still on him. The damn thing wouldn't come off.

"Hey, hey – I know what you're getting at, but you shouldn't – really. You look far too handsome without clothes."

No Chiaki! That's not what you're supposed to say. You don't like me. Not in that way. You never have! Stop pretending and let me rot in peace.

Instead, "you, you really think so…?" blurted out of my mouth. I could have cursed myself.

"But of course. Why else would I be here with you? You know I'm a bad liar…"

He laughed. And that laugh was so adorable…too adorable… No. I shook my head. I can't let myself fall for him again. He belongs to Hatori, so that is where I shall return him. Hating every minute of it, I picked up my phone, and ran a short number on the contacts list. No Tori… Oh, that's right – I had deleted him. It felt so good at the time. It felt so stupid now.

"Oi, Chiaki. Can I borrow your phone?"

His eyebrows rose.

"What for?" he asked.

Now I had to come up with a suitable excuse. Great. Not that he knew that I was lying straight through my teeth then. He wouldn't have guessed in a million years. So clueless…

"Oh, well I guess it's okay then…" he said, handing it over to me.

Quick, my back to him, I went through the contacts list. No Tori.

No Tori?

Huh? That would explain a lot of things. But why? Chiaki had told me so many times he didn't like me. He'd made it so abundantly clear, that even I, the stubborn dickhead, would understand. Chiaki started to get impatient on me, so I gave him back the phone. It wouldn't do. It was pointless, anyway. Already too late. I had to call last night, dammit!

With gentle, soft touches he put the bath robe over my shoulders. We had taken a shower together. He had dried me off. And now I reaked of him. Sitting at the breakfast table had never been more awkward in my entire life. Please tell me, what do you tell your Dad when you take a guy home with you, wake up in the same bed, and end up taking a shower with him? How will I look my Mum in the eye? I'm not a seven year old kid anymore. At my age this isn't normal. Sitting at the head of the table, opposite my father, only made matters worse.

"Yuuchan, hand over the soy sause."

Dad kept his hand outstreched, waiting. I couldn't spot a flicker of unease in his eyes. Did he, really not…? As he started showering the brown liquid into his bowl, I finally understood. He didn't know! Humming away, as he worked some more sweet beans down. This was worse. This was definitely worse. At least, if they knew, I'd have some sort of security. I wouldn't need to worry. I wouldn't need to hide. Now, there's no telling how they will react… What will I do if they…

…throw me out of the house?

/ End of Second Chapter /


	3. Chapter 3

"You don't seem to understand, Yuu. I quit. I told you I quit. It's over for me, and I'm not going back there again."

See, I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't let my parents find out. They've been so good for me. They've raised me, and cared for me. Allowed me to follow a profession of my own choosing. Mangaka. Even if it wasn't profitable business. They said they'd keep me okay, pay the bills, medical expenses. I could count on them. So now that I moved into an appartment with my 'roommate', we'd need all the little cash we could get. That meant Chiaki had to go back to work. And this was becoming something of a problem…

"How did you think this was going to work? I work my ass off to death, running around, keeping this place clean as well. Cooking for you. And you just laze around the house all day?"

I pulled the remote control from his fingers. There was only so much I could take of Sponge Bob on a Saturday morning. Anger filled his carefree face.

"I can't cook. You know that!"

You can, you just don't want to. Whatever made me fall for you in the first place? You're lazy, girlish and dependant. And you can't seem to understand that we live in the real world. Not one of your stupid fantasies. Is that what made your manga sell, your ability to tune in to the mind of a flimsy teenaged girl? Because you think and act in the same way. Just like one of your silly main characters. Baka.

"And besides, I've already told you. I'm done with drawing. Now give me back the remote – it's no fun to watch without the sound."

That is the last straw. The remote soared through the living room, hit a wall and crashed. I lunged myself forward. Chiaki flinched away. I landed up on top of him. Had him flat on the floor of our furniture lacking single room. Red were his cheeks when my hands beat him. Red was his chest, red were his legs. I don't remember taking his clothes off, but believe me – his ass was red as well. And afterwards, he bundled up crying in a corner. Like a little stray cat. His red body shook, heaved and wailed. I picked up the Friday newspaper. Because for me, it was still Friday.

Chiaki didn't speak to me after that incident. One day, I just found him waking up the same time as me. In the morning – like all normal people. He let himself out the front door, said he was going to work.

/ End of Third Chapter /


	4. Chapter 4

"Yanase-sensei, this is fantastic!"

I gave the boy a wry smile. Glad that I could still see his face, behind the blur of two sleepless nights. I guess that is what drives my manga: insanity. All the characters are so erratic and weird. I must be just as crazy like them. I laughed. Lately, I've only been drawing under influence. But the kid says he likes it, so it must have some potential…

"Thank you so much for submitting way before the deadline!"

The kid gave a shriek of enthousiasm. So that is what he's so happy about. Punctuality… The manga itself's probably utter crack. Any time now, I can expect him to call, saying:

"Hello, this is Onodera Ritsu of Onodera Publishing speaking. Please accept my deapest apologies. But this time…eh…this time, I'm sorry Yanase-sensei. We can't publish your latest submission in this month's issue! It's horrible! Oh, no – what am I saying?"

And he would rake a hand through his hair, sigh profoundly, and pace around his office.

"Are you still there?"

And I will just shrug and nod. Who am I kidding anyways? I could never best Chiaki. He is the mangaka genius, not me. Only…will he ever come back? Mr. Onodera nodded to me, and I went down the grand marmer steps of his publishing house. If anything, I needed to count myself lucky with such a great publisher as the kid.

"Dinner's ready."

Came a polite and distant shout from the kitchen. We have furniture now. Chiaki cooks. And his TV watching days are over. But…

I walk into the cubicle we call 'kitchen'. And there he is. All cutesy in that apron I got him – you can add clumsy to the list. The kitchen and certain articles of Chiaki's clothing will never really get clean again. So now he's cooking in an apron. Only an apron.

"Sit down to eat. How was work today?"

Am I supposed to be happy when you speak in such a monotone voice? That…irks me about him. He's so lifeless… His eyes. I look in them once more. No, not that spark of energy from before. It's gone completely. Faded away. I wonder if he'll be able to draw shoujo manga when he returns…

"Not bad."

A half-assed answer to a half-assed question.

"Hm…"

Wait, that's all he has to say? His countenance remains calm as he goes about setting the plates on our only table. When he heads back to the kitchen, I watch his naked butt. Right now it comforts me more than the dead, compliant look on his face. Who ever thought love could be over so fast? Groaning, I began drinking in my hot unflavoured noodles. Now I know for certain: it never was love.

He sits down next to me, still naked. Swings an arm around my shoulder. Starts caressing my back with another hand. The caress slowly becomes a massage. And boy do I need it! The next moment everything fades to black. And that is how we end up here. In a messy bed, sweat and cum all over the place. Just like the first time. But right now it's not me whose butt is aching.

/ End of Fourth Chapter /


	5. Chapter 5

"Chiaki, come over here."

Obediently, like a slave to his master, he walks the few steps from his plastic stool to my armchair. Bends his head, sits on his knees in front of me. Soft hands take and stroke my right foot. When they're done, it's the left one's turn. How could I…use him like this? But – ah – that feels so good… I'm tired, I'm tired. I'm just tired, okay! I'm the one who brings in the moey home, he only works part time. The lazy asshole. No, wait. That's not what I wanted him to say… That's not why I wanted him to come over. Och…what was it?

"O-oi, Chiaki."

He looks up at me. Silent lips mutter 'What's up'.

"Chiaki stop this!"

No. No, now I've hurt him. But I can't stand this much longer! I can't stand to see him like this. So fragile, so vulnerable. This is not Chiaki. …Is it?

"I don't need your massages! I don't need half-assed caresses. I don't, I don't want this! Speak, Goddammit! Open your mouth, and tell me to shut up. Baka! Dry those stupid tears immediately."

"But Yuu, it isn't me who's crying."

I hadn't realized it, but I had pulled myself closer to him – our faces ended up joined at the cheek. Salty water. Wet cheecks. I hadn't realized. But all this time it was me? Me crying, me stupid, me wrong. Me. Only Me.

"Oh Chi – , I'm sorry…"

I couldn't bear look at him any longer. Instead, my gaze fixed on the floor. The wet cheek left mine. No arms embraced me from the back. No sweet words were whispered into my ear. And when I heard the front door creak, I knew I had deserved it.

/ End of Fifth Chapter /


	6. Chapter 6

"Extra, extra! Read all about it! Yoshikawa Chiharu is actually a man!"

Chiaki somberly stared out on the street of his autumn window… All these years, he never thought. No, he never expected…something like this to happen. Pictures of him were all over the net by now. Copied and stashed away on private hard drives. It's out. The secret was out.

A creak in the door alerted him to somebody's presence. Not the girls, please let it not be them. Chiaki turned around, already determined to send his assistants back home, when he stumbled upon a familiar wide shouldered frame. Short, chippy brown hair, that infamous shirt and tie that suited him so well. Without thinking, Chiaki flung himself at the visitor, burying his head into the man's chest.

"Tori!"

This was right. This was where he felt warm, where he felt safe. He began to ramble on about this thing and that, not looking up, taking in the scent. The warm, wettish scent of Tori… His sweat smelled something like spring rain, and strangely enough Chiaki felt that he quite liked it. He pressed his nose deeper into the white cotton, savouring what would be his last whiff of Tori, without knowing it.

"Have you read the newspaper today?"

Chiaki flinched away from that question, he hadn't been expecting it.

"Yes…" he replied desolately letting go of his lover.

Tori remained strangely silent for too long a while. Wait, why had he come here in the first place? Was it to comfort me, to cheer me up? That's what lovers do, right? Yes, that had to be it. But why was there no bag of food in his hand? Did he come…empty handed?

"I'm sorry."

Sorry? What for, sorry… Sorry…why would you be sorry? Chiaki could only stare back at Tori, not understanding. So he comes in here, asks me about the paper, then says he's sorry…? Chiaki shook his head tiredly, moving out of the corridor while motioning Hatori further. But his friend did not take a step further.

Now this was more than strange. Half a heart to just walk over and drag his friend inside, Chiaki marched back to the door.

"Hey, what's taking you so long?"

He started to pull Hatori along by the sleeve, but the guy just would not budge! He only said this. This was all he said, and it made something final click inside Chiaki's searching mind. He said:

"I did it only out of best intentions."

Chiaki drew back. The hand that had been previously groping Tori's arm, dropped down.

"You didn't."

Chiaki got no reply.

"Tell me you didn't!"

But Tori simply hung his head. No, no, this was not happening. This couldn't happen, not from Tori. Chiaki grabbed his jacket and ran for the door.

"Oi! Chiaki!"

Hot breath fanning his neck, and familiar strong hands holding him from behind. But they did not excite him any more, they didn't make him feel happy and secure. They disgusted him more than anything! So with one final yank, Chiaki threw Tori off his shoulders, and walked out the front door.

/ End of Sixth Chapter /


	7. Chapter 7

"What are you coming to me for?"

The door is open on a crack, not more. I barely see Hatori's face. He's still the same. Same hairstyle, same dress shirt, same dull grey pants. Probably some people never change…

"Because, "

"Shut up. He's not even here. Why would he be?"

He stares me down. He's angry. Part of me wants to run away as fast as possible. But then, I know, I'll never find my Chi…

"We…had a fight."

He laughs. How dare he laugh? At us? At me… Sure, Tori can laugh all he wants. He has the right to. Has the full, unrestrained right. I should have called. Should have called a long time ago…

Then he speaks, and I can't believe I'm hearing this.

"Shibuya Station, track 9, behind the last vending machine."

He still looks sad as ever, standing tall on his two feet, looking down on me. Like I am some kind of pest that came, some slime he picked out of the river. Maybe I am? What other words can best describe me.

He closes his door, ready to walk away. Back to the warm yellow light inside his apartment.

"Why are you helping me?"

My foot fit right in the space between wall and door, right on time.

"Because I still love him." he says, and shoves my foot out.

/ End of Seventh Chapter /


	8. Chapter 8

"…Yuu?"

Crumpled up, down on the concrete subway platform, sat Chiaki. His hair messed up with tears. Hatori had been right, this is where he was. Bottom on the floor, legs drawn in, watching the trains pass by.

Not long after, I sat beside him, both of us drinking mineral water. Well, he was drinking. I was just staring at the bottle in my hand, wondering where it had come from. Then, not knowing why, I said:

"He still loves you, you know."

Chiaki turned on me like a dangerous, ravenous beast. I closed my eyes upon impact.

"You're telling me that _now_?_"_ he hissed into my ear, then leaned back, not leaving a single punch.

I got mad at that time. I shouldn't have. But I got so, anyway. How dare he pity me? How dare he count me too weak to take a hit? So, I yelled – just about the whole platform could hear me.

"Well what was _I_ supposed to do? I thought you wanted me."

And I was more astonished than anything when Chiaki replied.

"I did."

For some reason he smiled. And, in doing so, pulled me closer. Hugged me, whispered sweet, titillating words into my ear. I thought it was all a joke. Some big lie, a charade. And I was the toy.

"Yuu, I've always trusted you." he said once he let me go.

My water bottle was still untouched, his was empty.

"I thought that was enough."

Smiling bitterly, he stood up to throw his bottle down a waste disposal bin nearby. When he came back, he leaned over me one more time.

"Farewell."

With those words he took off on the next train. Once I'd gotten out of my stupor it was too late, he had gone.

/ The End /


End file.
